Make America Sensible Again

It’s pretty obvious to most of the world at this point that the US has lost its marbles. So I propose the following plan for solving all of its problems. You’re welcome.

First off, elect me as Prime Minister of Australia. We’re going to need Australia’s help with this. Anyhow, I’m pretty sure I’ll do a better job than the current idiot.

Then we’ll offer this plan to the people of the US to vote on. When they vote in favour, we will finally solve all the stupid things going on there, and be able to get on with our collective lives.

  1. The United States will become the United State… of Australia. The contiguous 48 will be merged into a single state called “Murika”.
  2. Hawaii and Alaska will remain as independently-governed territories of a new type, called “map insets”. They will have complete autonomy in every area except cartography. (So nothing really changes there.)
  3. Every citizen of Murika will be sent a welcome gift consisting of the following:
    • A small jar of Vegemite (with usage instructions)
    • A “starter kit” of three spiders
    • A plush kangaroo, koala, or platypus
    • A dictionary listing all the places you now need to add the letter “u” back.
  4. We will abolish the ridiculous notion of a “Republican” and “Democrat” party. Seriously, those words have nothing to do with their policies. Instead, your main parties will be our ones: the Liberal Party, which is conservative, and the Labor Party, which is liberal. As a generous gesture towards your spelling habits, this will not be called the “Labour Party”; any suggestion that this is because we’re actually inconsistent in our own spelling is clearly nonsense.
  5. Once this is settled, we will send a delegation to Russia with an ultimatum: Withdraw entirely from Ukraine, or we send over a mob of F-22 Raptors with generous rules of engagement. This probably won’t have much of an impact on geopolitics, but it’s the only way the Kid’s ever gonna get that intercept, so I’m including it.
  6. The White House will be repainted dark blue, and adorned with the Southern Cross. It will still be called the White House though.
  7. The Gulf of MexicoAmerica will be renamed again. Since it is a popular place for dropping first stages of rockets, we will hold a competition among launch providers: whoever can land the biggest and coolest rocket in the Gulf gets naming rights, until someone else outdoes them.
  8. Speaking of rocketry, NASA will be fully refunded. I mean, errm, they will be re-funded; I don’t think we can return this NASA now, it’s decidedly used.
  9. All ISPs in Murika will be required to issue IPv6 netblocks to their customers.
  10. Money will be allocated for nuclear power plant research, installation, and operation, both in Murika and in the rest of Australia. C’mon already folks, we need this already.
  11. Just like when the Perthites wanted us to build a railway to connect them to the rest of the nation, we’ll research what it would take to build high speed rail connecting Sydney and Los Angeles. I mean, we got one across the Nullarbor, how hard can it be?
  12. Cities across Murika that are addicted to roads will be invited to join a twelve step programme for improving their cities. Specifically, everyone should be no more than 12 steps away from a tram line.
  13. There is no point #13 in case anyone’s superstitious. Or even just a little stitious.
  14. Obviously there will be no tariffs on goods or services sold across state boundaries. This will now include anything sent from Murika to Victoria, for example. We will also abolish tariffs with all nations that we’re planning to also invite to become states of Australia, and since we don’t want to reveal all of our plans yet, we’ll abolish them globally. Except that island of penguins. Tariffs on them was just hilarious.
  15. Daylight Saving Time will be abolished. But to avoid abrupt and disruptive changes, this will be done progressively. Starting in 2026, DST will be just 59 minutes, dropping to 58 minutes in 2027, and so on until we’ve gotten rid of it entirely.
  16. Since everyone loves your amendments and their rights, we will retain them. They’re not amending any actual THING, but the amendments themselves will remain.
  17. Murikans will have to learn to speak English.

I believe that, while these proposals may encounter small amounts of pushback, they are on the whole beneficial both to Murika and to the world. Please help us to make this into a reality.